“So far as I am concerned, if they are hungry let them eat grass or their own dung.” Andrew Myrick to Agent Galbraith, 1862
Coincidentally, later in 1862, Myrick was killed on the first day at the Attack at the Lower Sioux Agency, where Dakota warriors took revenge at the agency for its refusal to sell them food. When his body was found days later, “his body was mutilated, his head being severed from the body and the mouth filled with grass.” Out of revenge, Dakota warriors stuffed his mouth and the cleft of his buttocks with grass.
Inspired by historical trendsetter and pioneer of maximizing quarterly profits Andrew Myrick, The Official Andrew Myrick Society Uniform is the perfect attire for anyone who knows that human empathy is a terrible investment strategy. Why give out credit when you can just wait for starvation to optimize market demand?
This premium tee pays homage to the foundational rule of pure, unadulterated capitalism: If you can’t afford the premium package, nature has provided a perfectly free, all-you-can-eat salad bar right there on the lawn. Features:
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100% Unregulated Comfort: Woven with the threads of pure supply-and-demand logistics. It fits like a glove, or like an inescapable corporate monopoly.
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Premium Organic Cotton: (Because even if we tell you to eat grass, we prefer our t-shirts made of the good stuff).
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The Perfect Corporate Aesthetic: Ideal for wearing to board meetings where you deny cost-of-living raises, or to your local grocery store while staring blankly at the self-checkout screen wondering how a single bell pepper costs $4.00.
The Vibe: It’s the ideal uniform for the modern grindset. Slip it on and let the world know that you don’t just tolerate the invisible hand of the free market—you watch it hoard the bread while telling the hungry to find a nice patch of clover.
Disclaimer: Wearing this shirt may cause sudden urges to cut employee benefits, raise insulin prices, or get found in a field with a mouth full of lawn clippings. Wear responsibly. All sales are final, because refunds are bad for the shareholders.
